i may be a bird in a cage but at least it's your cage

if 2003 was the year of the buffyverse and 2004 was my year of lotrips, 2005 was kind of a fannish void; i wrote some due south, i wrote some lotrips, i wrote some sports night, and i guess if pressed i'd have to say that dS was my primary fandom, but in 2005, i was mostly just kind of listless and fandomless and didn't write a lot and was cranky most of the time. i was pretty disenchanted with fandom in general, to be honest. then stargate: atlantis happened in october, and suddenly i had a primary fandom, and suddenly my due south love was incredibly strong, and suddenly i was engaged by fandom again. oh, john sheppard, way to go on the whole ruining my life thing.

anyway. in 2006, stargate: atlantis was my primary fandom, my speedy leadoff hitter; studio 60, stargate: sg-1 and supernatural were my heavy-hitting second and third and cleanup in the batting order; and harry potter, due south, bsg & small fandoms from triple a kept things going at the bottom of the order: necessary and constant, but not hitting a lot of homeruns. um, i may have pushed that metaphor a little too far. my point was: hey, let's talk about my writing!

i had a lot of goals for my writing this year; i wanted to finish more than i did last year, for one thing, which was why i set the 500 words a day goal. i was happier when i was writing; i had a constant flow of ideas and i wrote almost every day and it worked for me. opening a file and "just adding one paragraph" made me write every day, and that was a pleasant surprise.

but there were other things, too; i resolved that every story i wrote this year would be different, thematically and style-wise, than the story before it. sure, if you've been reading my stuff long enough you can pick out one of my stories at a hundred paces, because i have my ticks and i have my kinks and i have my standard tropes, but i pushed myself in new directions this year. i tried to make every story its own, instead of being lazy with my style and my themes. i pushed myself in a lot of ways -- to think about my characters, both original and fannish, to experiment with style and form. i think i almost made it work.

sure, i'm clearly a sucker for writing about home, whether it's on earth or in another galaxy, and i adore grounding stories in location, but, for example, my stargate: atlantis stories don't all read alike -- there's a breadth in the stories i was trying to tell, from slapstick alien humor to finding your way home in a strange place to coming back to a place that used to be home.

i pushed myself in other ways, too -- i'd never, never, never plotted out fic before this year -- not even drunk with the only saints i know, which was a fucking epic, even that was mostly written off-the-cuff in emails to insidian -- but when i was working on i heard the devil lives in charlotte, i actually broke it down into scenes as i was struggling to finish it. said to myself, okay, here's where you are, here's where you want to be, what scenes do you need to finish it? and funny enough, it worked -- pushing through the last 3000 words of that story, writing "just this next scene" and knowing what that scene was helped me finish. and when i was rewriting it -- when sid said to me, "you need more about these things", i blocked them out and then wrote. doing that made it easier, even. and that was something i'd never done before.

of course, i knew where that one ended -- i rarely know where my stories end, so i can't break the scenes down and know how much i have left to write. but if i could, it would work for me a lot of the time. most of the time, i just write until the end shows up, and then i look at it and go, um, okay, huh, that's finished, then. so the few stories -- and "few" is better than previous years' "none" -- that i did plot out, that was a big step for me. that was pushing myself in directions i didn't know i had. which was what this year was all about.

i spent an immense of time this year thinking about writing. pretty much all the time i didn't spend writing, i spent thinking about writing -- at work, riding the bus, in class. turning my own work over in my head, thinking about characters (original and other people's), puzzling out my working habits and my perspectives. and i realized something, during a conversation via email with sid back in june: i want to be published, sure, i'd love to make my living writing -- but for the first time in my life, i realized that the writing was enough. just the act of writing was enough.

sid read a lot of unagented novels this year; she spent a lot of time listening to me freak out about my writing. and i have to thank her, i have to say here in public and in print that sid is my ideal reader and my best editor, because she's willing to meta my writing style to death with me, and she's willing to tell when i'm being stupid, or insecure, or overreacting, but she's willing to tell that i'm brilliant and wonderful and good, flat out, too. so thank you, darling. i can't begin to count the words we used up this year talking about writing, but every one was valuable.

she read a lot of first novels, unagented first novels, and she said to me back in june that the authors were so concerned with contracts and sales and series. that's when i realized that writing was good enough for me. sid told me that i was pleasure to talk to about writing because i was concerned with making my writing better, a lot of the time, and while i wanted to publish, it wasn't the only thing i was concerned with. she didn't say this in so many words, but she told me that i was willing to kill my darlings, metaphorically, and that realization was crucial for pushing through the second half of this year. maybe that's cheesy, but it's true.

i learned a lot this year; that the writing is enough, and that sometimes you have to listen to the story and let it romp if it wants to romp. that the best thing i ever did for my professional writing was to write the boondock saints/angel epic last year, because that was my first real novel and so when i got to my second novel, the one that's original, the one i'm eventually going to trying to sell once i get off my ass and finish the second draft, i had a lot of bad first novel habits out of the way. (i also didn't have a lot of them out of the way, but that's neither here nor there.)

and again, because it's the most important: i learned that yes, the writing itself is enough.

(it was, also, apparently, the year of the parenthetical title. i don't know what's up with that either, but there were 8 of them: i'm tired of making friends (and i'm tired of making time), sex in wartime is sweeter than peace (it's the one sweet thing about war), here's a quarter (call someone who cares), i lost you (but i found country music), there's an art to the laughter (there's a science), i might and you might (but neither of us do, though, and neither of us will), never fight about money (never marry a youngest child) and there's a girl going crazy about you (and i'm not far behind).)

stories i wrote this year, in alphabetical order by fandom:

the 4400 (1): i was waltzing with my darling (shawn gen, kyle/shawn subtext).

battlestar galactica (2): are you sweet on your sister (starbuck/vala, sg-1 crossover); never fight about money (never marry a youngest child) (kara thrace gen, multiple pairings).

cupid (1): absolute, ultimate (claire/alex).

empire records (1): smile like you mean it for once (aj/lucas).

due south (4): don't fool yourself in thinking (fraser/kowalski); uncross your heart (kowalski/vecchio); being ray vecchio (ray kowalski gen); chicago is so two years ago (ray/ray, post-cotw).

harry potter (2): apparition no. 12 (the black sisters -- buffyverse crossover); there is a boy who never goes out (remus/sirius).

homicide (1): she swore the prettiest place on earth was baltimore at night (frank & tim gen).

macdonald hall (1): we'll say the hail marys, you make the free throws (bruno/boots).

slings & arrows (1): there's an art to the laughter (there's a science) (geoffrey gen).

stargate: atlantis (13): ordering beer in seventeen languages (mckay/sheppard); i'm tired of making friends (and i'm tired of making time) (shep gen); try to turn the tide (mckay/sheppard); hold hands and try to look sincere (mckay/sheppard); recognized none but the southern cross (mckay/sheppard); sex in wartime is sweeter than peace (it's the one sweet thing about war) (mckay/sheppard); the cigarette girl in the sizzle hot pants (mckay/sheppard); the universe is shaped exactly like the earth (shep gen); working double time on the seduction line (mckay/sheppard); i might and you might (but neither of us do, though, and neither of us will) (sheppard/mitchell); i woke up before you in the total darkness (ronon dex gen); i got soul but i'm not a soldier (mckay/sheppard); 844,739 ways to eat a hamburger (team gen).

stargate: sg-1 (7): i might and you might (but neither of us do, though, and neither of us will) (sheppard/mitchell); are you sweet on your sister (vala/starbuck, bsg crossover); you can buy her things now but she'll never be bought (daniel/vala); my pappy was a pistol, i'm a son of a gun (cameron mitchell gen); there's a girl going crazy about you (and i'm not far behind) (cameron/daniel/vala); she can drive as fast as me but she stops at all the lights (vala/captain jack, torchwood crossover); valentine the destroyer (daniel/vala, cameron/daniel).

studio 60 on the sunset strip (3): don't you know that you're paid to be funny (matt & danny gen); what to do on the way down (harriet gen); there ain't no lighter for these damn cigarettes (matt/danny).

supernatural (6): here's a quarter (call someone who cares) (wincest); i could wake up screaming sometimes, but i don't (winchester gen); i lost you (but i found country music) (dean/female, dean/male, winchester gen); i heard the devil lives in charlotte (winchester gen); the scientific approach to the examination of phenomena is a defense against the pure emotion of fear (winchester gen); i just got out when i did to prove the exit route was clear (winchester gen).

torchwood (1): she can drive as fast as me but she stops at all the lights (vala/captain jack, sg-1 crossover).

that's 14 fandoms, including four crossovers (sg:a/sg-1, sg-1/bsg, sg-1/who/torchwood, and hp/buffy), and 13 sg:a, 7 sg-1, 6 supernatural, 4 due south, 3 studio 60, 2 harry potter, 2 bsg stories, plus 1 story each in cupid, empire records, slings & arrows, homicide, macdonald hall, torchwood & the 4400. 41 total (the crossovers are counted in both their fandoms above, but only once in the total).

also, i've written 299,902 words of fanfic and original fic this year. i wrote a novel this year. that's a fucking lot of words, okay? (i've been holding out on posting this because, well, i was aiming for 300,000 words -- but i finished a story last night and was still 98 words short, and i just ... am too exhausted to crank out those last words right now. perhaps later today. or tomorrow.)

that end-of-the-year-fic-wrap-up meme:

favorite story this year (of my own): my pappy was a pistol, i'm a son of a gun, cameron mitchell gen. camshaft got thrown out of reynonlds coliseum. ♥ ♥ ♥ and this wasn't the first story i wrote in sg-1, but it was the first story in that fandom where i felt masterful, not just competent or struggling. and it turned out perfectly, and i love camshaft a lot, okay? okay.

my best story this year: recognized none but the southern cross, mckay/sheppard. sometimes you sit down and barf a story out onto paper, and it hits every mark you wanted for it and some you didn't even know you wanted, and this story was that one, this year.

most underappreciated by the universe, in my opinion: apparition no. 12, hp/buffyverse crossover. i love this story; i love my execution, i love the idea, i love it all. and the world did not love this story quite like i did.

most fun story: working double time on the seduction line, mckay/sheppard. just. cadman! tigers! leather pants! 13,000 words of antics! the only thing it was missing was hookers, and you could even argue that it had those. (although 844,739 ways to eat a hamburger probably runs a close second in this category.)

sexiest story: hold hands and try to look sincere, mckay/sheppard. the scene with the alien telemarketers alone, man.

"holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story: i got soul but i'm not a soldier, mckay/sheppard. look, i killed rodney, okay? and while writing this one, referred to it affectionately, cheerfully and frequently as the dead!rodney story. i am a bad, bad person.

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters: there's an art to the laughter (there's a science), geoffrey gen. i didn't know how much i knew about geoffrey tennant until i wrote this one.

hardest story to write: being ray vecchio, due south, ray kowalski gen. this took a full year and about sixteen betas by four different people, and there were long moments when working on this story actively hurt, but in the end. well. in the end, it was worth it, even if never it really fired on all cylinders.

biggest disappointment: i could wake up screaming sometimes, but i don't, winchester gen. i don't know. *hands* this one never quite worked the way i wanted it to, which makes me sad, but i love the idea of it so much.

biggest surprise: you can buy her things now but she'll never be bought, sg-1, daniel/vala. i honestly -- this story taught me that i knew a hell of a lot more about daniel jackson than i thought i did, and that was my biggest surprise this year. my love for vala and camshaft? not surprising. my devotion to kara thrace's sex life? not surprising. my intense relationship with daniel jackson's internal emotional landscape? big fucking surprise.

most telling story: what to do on the way down, studio 60 on the sunset strip, harriet hayes gen. my issues with the professional comedy scene run deeper, weirder, and closer to my heart than even i knew. this story is the core of that; so many of my inflammatory opinions and prejudices came out in harriet's voice in this. (i also love this story a lot. A LOT.)

i already have on the table a bunch of things i want to write, and i don't usually outline my to-write list this publicly, because what if i don't finish something omg! then people will hate me! it's why i don't do works-in-progress postings, either -- there is a good chance that i won't finish anything i start, and i'd hate to disappoint, plus it drives me nuts when people bug me about my progress on stories after i have previously talked about them publicly. (this is my problem, not yours, and i understand this, but still: my theory on all my writing is that it'll be done when it gets done, and asking me about it will not speed that up.)

but for the record, this is the stuff i'm looking at to start/plot/work on/finish in (hopefully, the first few months of) 2007, in no particular order:

• an sg-1 story, team gen that's cam-centric, lifting a good number of plot elements from "the lady of shalott".
• a season 7 jack/daniel story, jack pov.
• the @!#*^&!@# ronon/teyla i've been working on since ... oh, god, august: now with more babies. DONE.
• something long, plotty, gen and set in chicago, for supernatural.
• a john munch story called "the difference between murder and homicide". DONE.
• the damn sg:a/west wing crossover.
• the sg:a story referred to as "the one with the alien pyramid scheme".
• the epic matt/danny backstory fic, tentatively titled "how you do what you do is who you are". DONE.
• a supernatural story called "i can't hold my liquor and i've no right to hold you", subtitled "ten times dean winchester was drunk before 10 am".
• the one with john's concussions. DONE. or [redacted], one of which will be a birthday story for la_cspan.
• the one where lorne gets permanent kp for breaking the orion. AT BETA.
• an sg:a gen ensemble story called "with every broken heart we should become more adventurous", if i can pull it off without the story descending into complete schmoop.
• something about non-main sg:a characters, pre-show, in antarctica, called "iceberg cowboys".
• the one about the librarian at the sgc. DONE.
• the one where john sheppard and camshaft send a lot of emails to each other about college football and why boston college does or does not suck. also, rodney discovers an ancient cricket pitch, and elizabeth starts an intramural soccer league. DONE.
• two stories in what i'm calling the valentine 'verse, one set after valentine the destroyer (with all our sun-bleached history) [DONE.]. and one about camshaft and vala (And If The Answer Is No, Can I Change Your Mind), set between there's a girl going crazy and valentine. DONE.

MAN. i'm just going to be over here ... writing, i suppose. woo.


WOW, I HAD A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT.